I will never be considered beautiful, but at least Ican easily live life in the role of the gender I have always known myselfto be.Something that has really shocked me about transition is that nothinghappens. What about all those fears that I obsessed about for my entirelife? None of them came to fruition. My friends were almost universallysupportive - and many admired my decision. "You're really brave to go through that," is a common comment I get. Oneof my favorite comments was from my friend Rima. "To be honest," she said,"it's not that surprising. You've always been really girly anyway."Female friendships are a truly wonderful thing - they are the mostrewarding aspect of transition. It turns out, girls really admire a boywith enough common sense to chop off their penis. I gave a lecture to aspeech therapy class recently, and the all female class looked on me withwildly fascinated eyes - they were eager to ask questions about what itwas like for a boy to become a girl. I am sure. But when the guys at the office hear that you’ve fucked around with dudes… I couldn’t trust just anyone…”His voice broke. Carson pressed his lips together and nodded.“So you never really wanted me,” he said.Armisen looked up. “No! No, no, no! I like you, Carson! I do! You were amazing. The best guy I’ve ever been with, the most--”“Stop, stop,” Carson said, raising a hand and wincing. “Please. I’m going to throw up.”Armisen leaned forward and put a hand on Carson’s thigh.His touch was electric, tender, sending Carson spinning through a reel of memories--Mr. Armisen stepping out of the shower. Leaning against the tree. Sitting up in the bathtub. Hunched over at the bar. Fucking him from behind.All he wanted was to surrender to that time, to that magical version of this mysterious man in his life--sexy and mature and slick and smooth and fuzzy and strong and grinning and beautiful.Carson closed his eyes and exhaled.Armisen watched him carefully and ventured further, sliding his arm.
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